October 7, 2013

A Piece of Me

I am really happy.

For a while it has been harder than usual, because too much of my happiness was based on the actions of other people, and suddenly they weren't up for the job. But slowly but surely I am getting back to the place where I make my own happiness. I think that the fact I have been adventuring again, as of late, is a HUGE part of it all. I even get to do an Adventure Thursday for the first time in months, this week, because it's fall break! Also, this should be the first adventure with GOOD PICTURES!!! My camera should be coming on Wednesday, cross everything you've got, and hopefully I will at least know how to push down the 'take a picture' button by then, because I'm sure anything taken from that will be a million x's 2 times better than my camera phone. Let's hope really hard. An aesthetically pleasing blog, here I come! Because as much as I blog for the words, I live to make pretty things, and a beautiful life.

There is something I wrote during a Morning Rambling once that I really want to share. The only thing stopping me is that it uses names. I don't know, it probably really doesn't matter. I could always change them. Lemme pray about it real quick. Okay, here you go

Maybe it’s fate that us girls will write about love. We’re hard wired for falling for people, so shouldn't the guys be hard wired for picking us back up again? It makes sense. Except I've already learned that when I love someone just because they were there to pick me up after a fall, it’s not enough. I’m a lot more sturdy when I’ve learned to stand on my own two feet, and then I love someone. Then my pieces aren’t scattered everywhere, because let’s face it, a teenage boy isn't going to know how to put all of those pieces back together, no matter how hard he wants to. But when I offer a boy my whole, un-scattered heart, he can take it or leave it. And even if he leaves it, I can choose to keep it together, because all the pieces are still there. I fell for Justin at the beginning of Freshman year, hard. When he left me on the ground, a new boy was standing by, waiting to pick me up again. But my heart was still in pieces. Not only was I not my entire, whole self, that year, but I thought he could put me back together, and that wasn't even his intent. This summer was different. After a year of help from my parents, my bishop, and the choice my myself, I was completely whole. So when I realized I wanted to give my heart to Alex, I could. And because I had possession of all the scattered pieces, I could give him the perfect amount, and keep the rest for the higher priorities. He took it for the summer, and he took care of it as well as he could. When the time came that he wanted to not take care of it anymore, perhaps due to his own scattered pieces, I was able to take it back again. Because it was whole to begin with, it didn’t fly completely apart when it was given back for a while. Part of me still wishes Alex would have held on longer, but this time, instead of letting him keep part of my heart as souvenir (because that only causes me pain,) it’s more like an invitation to come back if he likes, before I move on.