May 17, 2013


I feel quite unmotivated right now. Unmotivated to take up math again, to finish one of my novels, to write anything more than blog posts really, to get a job. Though I am still just as motivated as I was when I left my school! Then I was dying to read a ton of books and write blog posts- that's exactly what I still want to do. But as the weeks go by, I have this nagging feeling that it's not enough. I have been growing in testimony even more lately- through family history, more focus on seminary. Even through the lack of laurels to enjoy mutual with has helped me realize how much I care about those Wednesday night activities, but it's not because of the food, like the leaders seem to think, and its certainly not because I've got loads of other girls to have fun with, because I don't. The fact that I have a strong testimony should be enough, right? Just because I don't spend all these hours studying math and science, or writing books, it should still be okay, right? I'm happy. And I've got the knowledge I need for college.

I feel like I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing, but that I should want to be doing more.

I have read tons of lovely books since I left school. Now most of the activities I do outside of my house are church oriented. Because I am no longer surrounded by people for hours everyday, I am able to enjoy the time with my friends and family a lot more. I can be spontaneous, because I don't have any homework that needs to be done. When I write, I can write whatever I want. I have the time and resources I need to earn a lot of money when I decide I want to. I am learning what I am really passionate about, and how I may not be quite as passionate about some things as I thought. I get to spend almost all of my time with my little sister, who is one of my best friends.

I haven't studied math since December. I don't have a job, yet. I haven't even touched my novels, nor have I written anything for a writing contest since January. I still need to finish the practice ACT that I started over a month ago. I don't feel like doing anything more than I am doing already, except go places more, and write in the library more often.

There is the problem. I want summer to come so that I can continue to do exactly what I am doing, without feeling bad about it, because no one else will be doing the things I think I should be doing, either.

Hmm, I wrote the bad things (or the things I perceive as being bad) after the good things. I think that is really the problem, those are the things I am focusing on. I'm not focusing on the fact that right now, my priorities are far straighter than they were when I was still in school.

I really am still motivated, I just need the summer break just like everyone else.

Writing out my feelings has really been helping me the past couple of days. I always write them as if they were a blog post. Sometimes I post them, sometimes I don't. Which means some of my posts might not be interesting or inspirational to you at all, they might just be me rambling. But this one isn't too personal to publish, so you can have it anyway.