July 3, 2014

hi bye

This is going to be my last post on this blog. Possibly my last blog post ever. I've spent hundreds of hours creating a really pretty life on the internet. I had an instagram account that a lot of people thought was perfect. And a Pinterest account that I was proud of, and that had a lot of followers. And sometimes I actually said funny things on twitter. And people really liked this blog. And I had a pretty good internet following of a lot of people who thought my life looked perfect. A lot of people that thought I was perfect. And I'm not bragging, I worked really hard to get people to think I was perfect, and for the most part, I accomplished that.

And I'm sorry.

Bloggers say all of the time how they wish people didn't think they were so perfect just because of their blogs. And how they want people to understand that they have pain and trials too, and just because all of their pictures are pretty that doesn't mean their life is always pretty. But I didn't really say that. Because I wanted people to think my life was always pretty, and that I was always pretty. And I thought that if I convinced enough people that maybe I would believe it too, and that it might become true. But my life isn't always pretty, and it won't always be pretty, and I'm not always pretty, and no amount of pretty pictures and words can make it so. But I can see the ways my life is beautiful, and my blog and the internet was getting in the way of the beauty.

I just finished deleting all of my social media accounts. All of the pinterest boards I thought were so great. The instagram I spent so much time thinking about and trying to take perfect pictures for. I deleted all of it. I tried to just take some time away from it all, and I thought I would be able to go back and just use it to post things I liked and use infrequently and it could just be good. But I finally listened and realized that even if it was possible for me to go back to all of that and have it only be good, that's not something I want to go back to.

I've wanted to really start living life upfront, not behind my camera, not with a pen and paper always in my hand, not while I'm writing a blog post about it in my head, not going out of my way just to get a good instagram picture, not counting the worth of things by how many likes they get. By deleting everything I'm simply forced to do that. There's nothing to come back to.

To my friends -- I love reading your blogs so much. I learn things about your souls that way that so far I haven't learned any other way. Because I am finally stepping away entirely from the internet, I won't be able to read them anymore. I hope we can continue to get closer and closer so that I can still learn those beautiful things about your soul that I have learned from your writing, even when I can't read your blogs. I may start reading them again eventually, but I would rather learn those things in person anyway.

It's going to be hard, to be forced to talk to people entirely in person because right this second I don't even have a phone. It's going to be hard not to write things to people on my blog, and to figure out how to tell them deep things in person. It's going to be hard not being able to share pictures with people. But I'm willing to do it.

And I am completely willing to talk in person. About anything.

So here's to real connections, and friends who show up at my house with cotton candy, and real conversations between humans, and old fashioned people without phones, and standards that are higher than before, and adventures that don't need to be posted about.